Love&Grace

a mother's day

2010-05-19T14:17:00.017-05:00

"Let's go somewhere the kids can kick off their crocs and play in a shallow river or stream, hop rock to rock, feel the slime of moss between their toes. Let's go somewhere they can climb trees, skip rocks, climb boulders, and explore trails. Let's enjoy a spring evening outdoors with fresh air, flowing water, and the possibility of adventure. Let's be together, enjoy each other...outside. And I want to take pictures of it all, as it unfolds."

"That's what you want to do for Mother's Day?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

He is the best husband for me. I do not wake to a heart necklace of gold and silver, restaurant reservations or a spa certificate. No bouquet of red roses, a new kitchen appliance or expectations of a day of relaxation alone. Instead, he asks, and I spill ideas from a treasury of dreams, displaying vulnerable girl-giddiness with undetectable longing for acceptance. He understands, nods...easily accepts. Accepts me and embraces all that makes me different, every day.
I inner-battle tirelessly to be and have and do as I see in others around me, fighting to be normal. Yet I have been created by the One who made me specifically in this way, for this time and this place, set apart. To easily accept limitations, dreams, is a freedom I am desperate for, run towards. My hope is in Him in whom all things live and move and have their being.
When I remember this truth, resting in that freedom becomes easier. Slowly, I begin to realize who places limitations and confining parameters on who it is that I am.

Me.

~~~

our adventure on a mother's day

::surroundings::

::exploring::

::wandering::

Father, my freedom is in knowing who You are - Your character, Your love, Your forgiveness, Your grace that untangles and smooths over the knots. Let the song on my lips be " I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free." Free indeed.

mondays are for...

2010-04-05T14:16:00.006-05:00

a tea party with fuzzy friends,

painting,

adding details to a cat condo project,

a science experiment,

being outdoors,

planting Easter flowers,

preparing the grocery list for a week full of meals,

and now comes afternoon with a rest for the wee one, neighborhood friends knocking, playing and jumping, singing and dancing, dinner preparations and hubby returning, family meal with bike ride following, baths and showers, books and prayers, goodnight wishes and kisses, stretching and worship, snuggling and rest.

all in one day.

possibly the best day of my life.

and then i get to live it all over again

with slight variations.

yes, possibly the best day of my life.

Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you. Psalm 63:3-5

continuing Gratitude List #169-187

love & light

2010-02-24T20:36:00.012-06:00

before we must move on from valentine's day (0h, have you already?), my heart swims in shades of red and pink full of hearts and smiles and lots and lots of craftiness. it's one of my favorites, especially with kiddos.

time to let go of what has passed. again. and keep moving on. but for now, i savor these images just one more day.
or maybe two.

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
Psalm 23:6

earlier this week, morning light casting through these rooms captivated attention and awe.

i am chasing SONlight in these spaces, some more tangible than others. when darkness peels back and light so gently, yet piercingly, exposes all that is hidden and dormant, i sing praises to the One who forgives, heals, redeems and satisfies this life of mine. meanwhile, tears fall, this raw heart cries out for grace, forgiveness, help. and He is near. always.

Lord, give me a heart and a mind to diligently seek after You.

carpool line

2010-02-08T19:29:00.011-06:00

we're a little under the weather as another damp cold front moves in tonight. praying for peaceful, restful sleep as we heal.

let's rewind to the end of last school week, shall we?
thinking about the fun antics, crazy imaginative ideas, and loads of pretending in carpool line while claire and i wait for kindergirl to rejoin us...

167. having a point&shoot camera just when i need one (tucked away and forgotten about in the car after a skating party). claire loves to have her picture taken (can i hear an amen?)

168. knowing that a funny face can only be made with one leg up in the air (have you not heard? well, consider yourself informed.)

what did i tell you? this is proper funny-face position. practice at home before attempting in public.

i, on the other hand, am limited by space (long legs and steering wheel do not mix) and cannot properly demonstrate the proper position. so, instead, i offer this...

thank you, claire, for this flattering and persuasive shot. it was all to prove a point. a funny face isn't funny unless one leg is up in the air. period.

by the way, this is what everyone else is doing in carpool line as they wait, right???

2010-02-01T14:38:00.014-06:00

when it seems like life turns into a swirling tornado list of to-dos, more-urgent-to-dos and future-to-dos, i take a deep breath and remember to lean into Him.

remembrance...

158. father-daughter music collaboration

159. what my kids do while they are "waiting"

a) pick their nose

b) suck their finger

160. stayin' in our jammies all day

161. everything about sugar cookies: making the dough, rolling it out, choosing just the right cookie cutters, smell of baking cookies throughout the house, mixing the right color of turquoise for icing...and, of course, decorating the cookies

162. eating decorated sugar cookies

163. kid-creations

164. hubby fires to warm our chilled toes when temperatures drop

165. skating with kindergirl and remembering how much fun it is to be a kid

166. hanging out with my best friend (preferably in the mountains)

unfailing love

2010-01-25T20:19:00.009-06:00

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you. Isaiah 54:10

reflecting on this verse from morning study, i breathe deeply of crazy love. how can i refrain from gratitude, knowing such a thing as this? counting 1000 Gifts...

138. truth that ushers in freedom

139. clever storybooks at bedtime ("er...umm...ahh..." said arthur decisively.)
140. weekends together

141. discovering a new park

142. tire swinging

143. homemade play-dough

144. experimenting (tie-dye cookie dough, cats)

145. creativity and the discipline it requires

146. reading and discussing with kindergirl
147. rediscovering great music
148. thrifting

149. open houses

150. celebrating potty achievements

151. celebrating good character and fruit of the spirit

152. keeping an open house (oh yes! a favorite verse resonating with me daily, for years now)

153. routines that work

154. developing consistency (building character!)

155. talking about future plans and priorities with gentle thinker (and agreeing, with laughter and smiling eyes thinking of more years like these)

156. knock-knock...neighbors, friends at the double doors

157. anticipating big changes while contentedly being okay with right here, right now

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, Your unfailing love for me will not be shaken nor Your covenant of peace be removed. You have compassion on me . Thank You, thank You, thank You.

2010-01-18T22:00:00.002-06:00

ending this day on the right note....filtering through gratitude...

124. bedtime stories
125. tiny voice of little one "reading" to me
126. the warm peppery smell of kindergirl's forehead-hairline when she lets me pull her close for snuggles
127. two ever-so-slightly-protruding front teeth of littlest one that are so easy to brush
128. unending supply of energy generated in little bodies
129. good, strong coffee
130. welcoming hubby home after a day at the office
131-134. new cookbooks, fresh ideas, completed weekly meal plans & grocery list
135. planned & unplanned visits from friends and neighbors
136. His unlimited patience
137. opportunities to mature & grow & mess up in the company of others

another messy monday

2010-01-11T20:49:00.045-06:00

each monday i look around this house and remember how only a few days before it was spotless, cleaned in all its crevices, a calming sanctuary for our family. then the weekend happens. four of us romping about ... cooking new recipes (dirtying loads of dishes), cutting and pasting and cutting some more (scraps fall to floor and glue remains open), filling up bathroom sinks for curious kitten paws to dip and shake (sending droplets to the far reaches of bathroom mirrors), lots of singing in the bathroom which inevitably leads to migrating toys and smears of blue toothpaste (didn't you know?), lounging on sofas (disfigured cushions, misaligned pillows), drawing and more drawing and more drawing still (papers here, papers there, papers everywhere...and the pencils? pens? crayons? yes, those too.)
just an ordinary weekend every mama knows.
and those weekends, they are precious.
savored.
so, today, as i look about these remnants of the weekend, gratitude flows for gifts of family and home and togetherness culminating in a messy monday.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever. Psalm 107:1

111. cozy warm beds for my little loves (all unmade)

112. organization projects started by kindergirl to benefit little sister
113. art table filled with assorted drawings, beginnings of homemade books, hardbound books, scripture cards, and craft sticks, and...a handmade lasso?

114. one of kindergirl's famous set designs (on her nightstand...hence the scripture cards tossed on the art table)

115. cascading books, scattered playmobil nativity pieces (yes, they are still out). yet Jesus smiles over it all, knowing this messy life i live.

116. adornment from a friday afternoon paper folding and cutting craft (paper remnants and stapler remain stacked on table, scissors on windowsill)

117. afternoon snack for little, insatiable tummies

118. my favorite cozy early-morning spot with Bibles, spirals, books & magazines.

119. our favorite catch-all table for drawing, eating (see the kashi wrapper & yogurt smears?), reading, searching, coloring, playing, and sometimes even water painting

120. drying laundry, storing coats

121. things brought in; things to take out; things to put away

122. reminders by the door: undelivered christmas present, undelivered package to homeless man

123. lovely wheat shade for bedroom privacy, recently broken and awaiting repair

this is what i have to offer on a messy monday.

and i'm more than okay with that.

all gifts.

Father, open my eyes to see Your hand in the everyday. amen.

bounty of blessings

2010-01-04T13:46:00.017-06:00

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. Psalm 62:5

this afternoon i sit, refreshed .. no, revived.

i was slipping away, drowning, and could not fully grasp the extent until my soul found rest. real rest. eternally grateful, my heart rejoices anew at the overflowing love He shows us daily.

our family enjoyed a whole week of uninterrupted, total togetherness. bellies aching from laughter (and too many sweets), bodies releasing tension/worry/busyness/anguish of the past months...oh, how we breathed deeply of the peace, lungs filled with air releasing slowly and completely. what a lovely, intimate blessing to experience. holding these treasures of memories in outstretched palms, i release what was and look forward to today and tomorrow and what is to come.

thinking over the past year, here are some of my favorite treasures:

101. every moment with him
102. watching the bond of sisterhood deepen and grow

103. experiencing my child reading
104. watching my baby grow...so sweet, nurturing, friendly, happy, funny and oh-so-strange
105. family trips to sea world
106. all of the ballet
107. overcoming hardship
108. knowing these moments are precious and only for a short season

109. everything having to do with summer + water

110. our family vacation to san diego

and so. much. more.

lyrics from a worship song spill from my mouth today as i reflect on the bounty of blessings in 2009...

what can i say?
what can i do?
but give You my heart, oh God,
completely to You.

2009-12-28T20:43:00.031-06:00

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Matthew 11:28-29

91. girl time with papa at our favorite annual christmas party (crafts, live music & food!)

92. running into old friends at live nativity and marveling over our savior's rescue plan

93. seeing "growing up" and "work" through a child's perspective ...excitement & anticipation!

94. healing with stitches

95. time with family
(photos: mom & dad, brother & my girls, mom-in-law & nieces with kindergirl, bro-in-law & girlfriend, mom-& sis-in-law)

96. time for crazy antics
(photos: interpretation of holiday blur, kindergirl with whipped cream on top, kitty in a drawer, big kid - little bike, cat set play by kindergirl and gentle thinker, sister balloon toss/wrestle, caricatures of us, sister reflections of christmas, mid-wrestling sisters)

97. photos by kindergirl

98. morning light in the kitchen
99. images of christmas morning ... quiet, simple & content

100. rest from the storm

2009-12-21T20:29:00.007-06:00

Praise be to the LORD, for he has heard my cry for mercy.

The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song.

The LORD is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one. Psalm 28:6-8

last week a storm arose. reckless waves crashed one after another. in the beginning, toes dug into thick sand and eyes focused resolutely on hope ... each day the water rose higher still, waves closing in relentlessly. then, the waves reached out, threatening the safety of my little ones. no longer were these eyes focused. no longer were these toes dug in. gulping for air, i slipped under and gave way to the churning sand, disoriented and unable to stabilize direction. desperate and blinded, i cried out to El Roi, the God Who Sees. the Rock of Refuge. because He was there all along. i couldn't see the way, but He could.

tonight i breathe deeply of His presence, comfort, and peace as He continues to work things out. amen.

81. opportunities to give time, hope, comfort, money, food

82. peaceful, creative, child-inspired, Christmas crafting

83. good medical help when accidents happen

84. Christmas music for singing along and dancing around

85. reminders of the grace i so desperately need and am so generously given

86. positive perspective from a gentle thinker

87. broad wings covering our nest

88. learning to lean in to the Word

89. instruments and their talented players

90. suffering and hope, pain and joy, tears and laughter

2009-12-14T08:25:00.018-06:00

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

71. learning to use scissors for the first time (oh, the excitement of a two-year-old!)

72. after-school art projects with kinder girl

73. cousins, all girls, building a gingerbread house together

74. sitting on his lap and capturing the moment at arm's length
75. jumping contests with neighbor friends

76. childhood revisited, three decades later (hey, it looked fun...what can i say?)

77. a fine, feathered friend and neighbor
78. year-round reminder of summer sunshine and warm days ahead...very warm
79. getting back outside after two weeks of dreary rain, clouds and cold temps

80. family fun, neighbor fun...living close together

2009-12-07T13:01:00.008-06:00

For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. Romans 1:20

without excuse, i continue counting a thousand gifts...

61. waiting for a turn

62. worn door leading to warm embrace
63. family recipes
64. long road trips offering time for being still and lots of talking, laughing, singing and, sometimes, contented silence

65. new additions = very happy girls
66. my precious grandmother, nanny, dwelling with Jesus for decades...found on facebook
(on the left)
67. snow flurries in central texas & teachers abandoning plans for such a rare winter treat

68. a crafting two-year-old

69. shifted plans, amazed vessel, awesome God

70. laughing in bed with hubby

2009-11-30T13:29:00.020-06:00

He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.
Micah 6:8

51. stealing away with old friends, if only for an hour, during our separate road trips

52. crossing state lines

53. tall trees & country roads
54. leaves, leaves, leaves...
...as big as your face

55. an earthen palette

56. grandmothers
57. his home away from home

58. flowers & fabric

59. her home away from home

60. a time for being carefree

oh, to walk humbly with my God. thank You, Lord, for Your gracious presence during our holiday with family. i saw You in the hospitality of hostesses. i heard You in the wisdom of aging family matriarchs. hold my heart close to Yours and show me Your way.

2009-11-23T08:58:00.015-06:00

therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe
Hebrews 12:28

41. mom visits

42. girls excitedly preparing to see Gram

43. dancing shadows

44. patches of fall apparent

45. textured blue

46. new buds just when i was giving up on that sucker...and a snail!

47. yellow-greens

48. noon-day sun

49. "fat cat mat" birthday series by kinder girl for her daddy

50. timely messages on gratitude, the lost virtue

thank you, Father, for health and home, family and friends, love and life, mercy and miracles, grace and gifts of Your provision.

2009-11-16T12:35:00.009-06:00

Don't be deceived, my dear brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1: 16-17

31. a month of birthdays

32. little fingers mastering shoe tying

33. cool tricks, eager kiddo

34. looking up... (oh, how i forget to)
35. ...and seeing shades of blue and milky white

36. looking out... (oh, how i forget to)

37. ...and seeing pink sunrise ... hubby first to notice, this mama grabs camera and runs outdoors

38. creative outlets

39. heavy tote brimming with library books

40. self portraits

2009-11-09T11:18:00.009-06:00

... with gratitude in my heart to God ...

21. park days

22. friendships in family

23. peaceful doctor visits and healthy teeth

24. soft fur and lazy ways

25. sewing projects that turn out okay and possibly please a little one
26. three people in constant motion coming together, full of energy, happy day

27. hubby's return from cali

28. healing up

29. unexpected neighbor knocks and invites from aunts

30. emptying laundry baskets

truly, deeply

2009-11-02T14:37:00.006-06:00

i love this man.

i mean, i really. love. this. man.

so many years later he can still toss a look that sends electricity through my scalp, fingertips, and toes, weaken my knees, send my heart into a flurry.

he's my anchor.

truly i am blessed to be loved and to love deeply like this.

thank you, Father, for allowing me these days filled with glimpses of Your love in the man beside me.

2009-11-02T14:03:00.007-06:00

give thanks to the Lord for he is good; his love endures forever

11. the most important men in my life

12. the ingenuity of a six-year-old determined to gut a pumpkin without actually touching the slimy goop

13. consistent outdoor accessories of a two-year-old...rain boots and a bicycle helmet

14. neighborhood kids spilling out of our backyard in a game of hide-and-seek

15. my little one's beaming smile, through wild wisps of hair, after waking from a nap

16. the strength and comfort of his close hugs

17. the best granola

18. sleepy baby, mavis, & henry...cherished doll-babies in this house

19. cool mornings and sunny, warm afternoons..."california weather"

20. little girls choosing instrumental music for their "shows"

and be thankful

2009-10-26T13:20:00.007-05:00

Here begins a heart of thanks, seeing the beauty and blessings of every day.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Colossians 3:15

1. s l o w i n g down purposefully

2. overhearing hubby's creative, funny bath time songs for giggling girls

3. baking bread on a cool, rainy autumn morning

4. crunching pea gravel under bicycle tires and three pairs of legs working to propel while another pair rests nestled into bike seat behind her strong daddy

5. finishing up good reads on night stand

6. bathing in warm sunlight on a perfect fall day at the park

7. muddy knees and toothy grin

8. new friends in bible study -- who challenge, support, question, encourage ....

9. family game nights - even if we don't get to the game

10. enjoying others' wisdom, talent, heart, vibrancy, creativity, ideas

Branching Out

2009-02-11T14:45:00.004-06:00

there is something about that persimmon tree.

it stands solidly, yet gnarled, dwarfed under the towering pine spires in the terracotta soil of louisiana. amid warm fall hues of deepening green, umber brown, deep red and rust, the vivid orange fleshiness of the persimmons catch the eye as floating autumn orbs bobbing within arms reach.

awkward, really, this tree.

lush branches adorned with needles and cones sway majestically overhead, all around, rustling their praises heavenward. yet with stripped fragile arms reaching wider than seems necessary from its lone black trunk, an offering is made. naked of adornment, this tree bears fruit. much fruit.

in this i find hope.

Lord,
i, stripped and fragile, desire to reach wide and open. unadorned, offering to You.

Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
John 15:4

To Trust

2008-10-01T22:15:00.002-05:00

day's regret as dark as the blackness outside this kitchen window pulls like the strengthening tide yet my mind disengages, wandering to another day, early morning, warmed by golden hues washed across soft tans and evolving blues. emerging sun hidden behind cloud captivates. cool, salty gusts from the sea whip my hair in all directions igniting freedom to let all that binds, go.

that morning.
passionately grabbing the hand of eager preschooler, we steal away from breakfast preparations, sleeping toddler, and understanding husband to experience the beauty up close. feet race over soft sand dunes, leap through thick rows of washed-up seaweed, and still in the wet, packed sand suctioning our toes beyond visibility.

daughter runs ahead splashing through shallow pools left by the tide, sending seagulls flapping into the air excitedly. heart beating wildly amidst breathtaking beauty of sun rising, waves crashing, the glory of creation...i am overcome and lift watery eyes to the heavens mouthing prayers of thanksgiving and praise, intimacy with Creator of All.

my gaze falls towards shells lining the surf and catches on a lone seagull standing in a maze of seaweed. in mind's eye, a gentle knowing pulls aside one curtain on this seascape stage unveiling mystery and deeper beauty through simplicity. seagull standing so still, patience, awaiting morning provision from our Creator's Hand. awaiting a morsel of sustenance to feast on from the vast sea spread before us both, the gull trusts.
watching and waiting in expectancy.

to trust as this seagull trusts, to patiently watch and wait expectantly for provision from the Father's Hand..to be so vulnerable yet assured..without control or evidence.
mind spins around this notion too wild and haphazard to fully embrace. taking a few steps closer to the surf, i scan the shallow depths hoping to witness the fulfillment of this gull's need, the washing ashore of plentiful, sustaining fish. nothing happens, seagull continues to watch and wait. glancing back at daughter romping about with bursts of neighing deep in the imaginings of wild horses, my eyes take in a panoramic shot down the coastline unveiling a most surprising, profound sight: seagulls lining the surf as far as these eyes could see.

a sight so precious to behold, an honor bestowed to this blessed observer.
yes, they all wait eagerly.
when clutching hand of Loving Father unfurls fingers, gently displaying today's provision, these gulls will be ready to partake of the bounty: watching and waiting in anticipation.

weeks have passed yet i keep coming back to that morning. a fresh lesson for the start of each new day.

teach me to seek You, watch for You, wait for You, and trust in You expectantly.

Sing to him, sing praise to him;
tell of all his wonderful acts.

Glory in his holy name;
let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice.

Look to the LORD and his strength;
seek his face always. 1 Chronicles 16: 9-11

in the beginning

2008-09-12T22:01:00.002-05:00

"Momma, where does water come from?" questioning eyes of golden-haired daughter of five drink in the vastness of the sea before her.
hasty to answer, my mouth flies open ready to spill of knowledge concerning evaporation, water vapor, precipitation...mind's eye precisely recalling water cycle charts from former teaching days. yet, something catches my tongue, stops progression down that thought path.

although true, that almost-answer, i sense this to be a bigger moment of inquiry.
where does it originate, this water rolling before us?

inhaling deeply of the salted air, my eyes lift to the sky as understanding begins to fill me with a growing amazement. "From the mouth of God!" I shout over the fizzing splashes. "He spoke, His words created water, and here it is," a joyful laugh escapes us both, pondering the power of our mighty Creator exhibited through the thoughtful utterances of His mouth.

Your throne was established long ago; you are from all eternity.

The seas have lifted up, O LORD,
the seas have lifted up their voice;
the seas have lifted up their pounding waves.

Mightier than the thunder of the great waters,
mightier than the breakers of the sea—
the LORD on high is mighty.

Psalm 93:2-4

(more lessons from the sea to come...)

Revising an Incongruous Constitution

2008-07-21T22:37:00.004-05:00

tonight i seek Him under falling water, washing away the day's soil with a heart restless to be cleansed by living water. this split-ness, duality of desires and mind being worked out through Him. as He gently guides in love and truth, Shepherd of this heart, i begin to see.

multifaceted...
no, not this word evoking images of glistening gems viewed from different angles. brilliance of design, workmanship.
no, not multifaceted as i once thought.
most accurately, double-sided...
this duality of two completely opposing thoughts battling for viability is not how He created me to exist through the every day. like double-sided tape, if one side is adhering to a specific resolve, the other is exposed and vulnerable to stick to anything that happens to come along.
tossing back and forth, my views change with emotions, hormones, differing perspectives and experiences.

yet truth illuminates the culprit aiding in these mental distractions,
emotional diversions,
settling fog.
all these things wrap into the package of self.
self-serving,
self-seeking,
self-fulfilling,
self-ruling -
my sin stares back at me.

silencing tongue, closing eyes, stilling thoughts - You remind me of words sung Sunday. words to illuminate, encapsulate and pray-

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

Shepherd of my life, i feel this heart inside prone to wander, prone to leave the One i love. Bind my wandering heart to You. take my heart and seal it. fix my eyes on You.

An Incongruous Constitution

2008-06-20T20:46:00.007-05:00

split.
in two.
or perhaps, more accurately, multifaceted.

opposing concepts, ideas, emotions waltz interchangeably, partners switching effortlessly.

today, this.
tomorrow, that.

yes to daily routine, weekly schedules, thinking it all through, relationships, home.
yet also to...
spontaneity, freedom from it all, a carefree me.

this landscape of emotion shifts as shadows cast on a sunny day, and You send comfort in words living.

For God's Word is solid to the core; everything he makes is sound inside and out.
Psalm 33:4 (msg)

relief floods, and i inhale a saving breath.
i am sound. inside and out.

Lord, give me peace inside this battling mind, shifting emotions. thank You for Your Word, solid to the core. send strength in this lean time.

Reach Out

2008-05-27T21:42:00.004-05:00

From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and
he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live.

God did this so that men would

seek him

and perhaps

reach out for him

and find him,

though he is not far from each one of us.

'For in him we live and move and have our being.'

Father, having determined the time and place for my life, You give me purpose. every day, every hour i am surrounded with reasons to seek You...reach out for You...find You. teach me, prompt me, compel me to seek You first, always.

Miracle Baby

2008-05-21T22:55:00.001-05:00

"Mommy, was I a miracle baby?" prompts preschooler over lunch.

"Yes, you were a miracle baby," i reply with a smile growing in anticipation, waiting to hear the words...

"Tell me the story."

closing eyes, i purposely dust away cluttering thoughts of partially composed emails, menu ideas, the day's schedule and make room for a focused retelling of my favorite story.

"A long time ago, doctors told me i could not have babies because my uterus is very small, too small for a baby to grow in, " I begin.

"and when i heard what the doctors said, i was very, very sad because all i ever wanted to be was a mommy. since i was younger than you, all i wanted to be when i grew up was a mommy."

"i cried for many days, weeks. cried and prayed."

a slight tightness presses against my chest, quickening breath, expanding belly twice swollen with another's heart, bones, blood, life...but now empty.

how quickly i return to that recovery bed in hospital. eyes blurred, thoughts slowed by anesthesia. surgeon forecasting a future opposed to dreams.
heart shattering.

from deep inside, a long breath escapes.
that was then.

now i gaze into the eyes of this beautiful, bright, lovely, healthy, growing little girl. girl child full of life, her name's sake. life itself. a miracle beyond understanding, beyond physical limitations. offspring from a body that should not have been able to handle the weight, volume, expansion.

i continue the story.
"during that time, God gave me hope in my heart, peace in my mind, and a song on my lips."
He laid a blanket of peace over my dreams, and they slept. for years they hibernated deep within, undisturbed.

during the spring of my 26th year, dreams awoke.
Gentle Thinker agreed, it was time.

"then one day God placed you in my belly to grow. i was so surprised, overjoyed, humbled. He chose me to be your mommy! you were growing inside me and i could feel you, begin to know you."

one day this story will expand with details a mind of four years cannot yet understand: one ovary, one fallopian tube, half a uterus, half the blood supply; inadequate placenta, drastically decreasing amniotic fluid; how her tiny body sacrificed continuing growth to save, protect her developing brain and so, so much more.

"you are a miracle. what the doctors said was impossible, God made possible. and look at you now!"

steeping in the words of her beginnings, preschooler declares, "yes! and claire is a miracle baby too!"

"yes, she is. one day we will tell her the story of being a miracle baby." sisters growing up knowing their story...how God personally authored the beginning of their lives.

i wonder if other mamas around the world pull their children close, gaze into their eyes and tell the story of being a miracle baby. for it's all so amazing, isn't it? how God personally authored the beginning of every life?

Author of Life, humble me with the bigness, greatness of You. for you created my daughters' inmost being; You knit them in my womb. i praise You because they are fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, i know that full well.

photo: our first miracle baby

The Evening Current

2008-04-22T08:09:00.001-05:00

every evening as i clean up remnants from the day, regret and failure lap at my heels, tide rising. scenes of the day replay, patience lost revisited, unaccomplished lists swirl. did i play with the girls? did i love extravagantly? smile freely? give my best? forgive graciously? sacrifice my own desires for that of another?

closing eyes to the oncoming waves, i know where this current leads. to endless guilt, churning uncertainty, layers of regret...mental, emotional struggles this mama knows intimately.

so i resist, fighting the strengthening pull.

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!”

Lamentations 3:22-24 (New Living Translation)

resistance in the form of verse, God breathed.
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
over and over these words trickle down my head as cool, refreshing water amidst the swirling tides. down it flows seeping into hair, skin, bones, blood. living words infusing peace into a tattering heart.

an undercurrent of anxiety is still detectable, however. frayed edging. questions surface, testing: what of tomorrow? as evening approaches, will this episode repeat only to be quieted by a temporary salve? a sore to be reopened daily?

People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

Matthew 6:33 (The Message)

Father's hand in the form of verse gently smoothes the bumps, unties the knots, mends the tears inside this mama.

Lord, steep my life in Your reality, Your initiative, Your provisions. keep my heart focused on You. i choose to seek You first knowing that everything else will fall into place purposefully in ways that only You can fulfill. still this mama's heart.

photo: www.sxc.hu

Contemplating this Heart

2008-04-20T21:37:00.009-05:00

Psalm 15

LORD, who may dwell in your sanctuary?
Who may live on your holy hill?

He whose walk is blameless
and who does what is righteous,
who speaks the truth from his heart

and has no slander on his tongue,
who does his neighbor no wrong
and casts no slur on his fellowman,

who despises a vile man
but honors those who fear the LORD,
who keeps his oath
even when it hurts,

who lends his money without usury
and does not accept a bribe against the innocent.
He who does these things
will never be shaken.

LORD, expose the darkest crevices of this heart with your light of truth. draw out of hiding every unrighteous rudiment to be turned over to You. create in me a heart that is pure and pleasing to You, overflowing Your love and mercy. teach me to love like You do, never to be shaken.

photo: sxc.hu

Child Likeness

2008-04-03T15:02:00.019-05:00

for the past two days, the darker tones of gray in the sky accentuate vivid shades of green outdoors, contrast deepening. sky heavy with anticipation of rain, atmospheric labor continues as sun descends on another day.

my heart, also, is heavy. pressure in chest building, pulling attention towards its palpable weight.

i know what it is, partially.

mental words, fragments echo the speech of my preschooler from early in the week. questions uttered by an unassuming child shift the atmosphere in my heart, tilting balance, halting the predictable rotation.
during a play date, mommy compliments rebounding off stoic girl exterior pierce heart-deep when directed towards another preschooler's masterpiece. desperate self-protection masked behind innocent green-blue eyes and rosebud lips mouthing reassurances of "what about mine? my picture is pretty too, right mama? say my picture is pretty too!" her reaction finds me unprepared. searching to convey assurance, i respond with adulation like candies falling from a cracked pinata hoping she will clutch handfuls of treats to store in her emotional treasury.
i choose words as the currency of acceptance to a thirsty heart unable to be quenched by words.

for two days i ponder this experience, puzzled by the affect it has on me. what did my child need to hear to satisfy this desire for acceptance and worth? does she even know how much i love and cherish her? how can she possibly fathom my limitless love for her, never to be diminished by my love for others?

standing over bed folding laundry in the path of morning light streaming through the windows, scattered pieces of this puzzle quickly begin to shift, rotate and connect. forming picture is staggering and unexpected: there i slump, only a day before, pitying lack of eager involvement from loved ones which friends and other family members seem blessed to receive. is there something wrong with me, God? do they not want to be around me or my kids? do You really want me to go through all this alone without a loving, willing hand to guide?

piercing, stinging, digging...truth burrows deep into this devastated heart as the picture continues to develop: i am the preschooler curled over paper and crayon shavings searching parental eyes questioning, "what about me? i am worthwhile too, right Daddy? say i am worthwhile too!"

yet this query does not find Him unprepared.
He has already answered.

For he chose me in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined me to be adopted as his daughter through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given me in the One he loves. In him I have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on me with all wisdom and understanding. (from Ephesians 1:4-8)

in all my raw human ugliness, He chose me as worthwhile before laying the foundation of the earth. i am accepted. chosen. predestined. redeemed. forgiven. lavished with grace.

relief and peace wash over distracted thoughts, heavy heart and bruised emotions. truth burrows deeper still, filling me with news of Father's acceptance and faithfulness: yes, i do have what i need. God's love.

time for a perspective shift. God provides willing, loving contributors in the form of elderly neighbors, childhood friends, strangers at the supermarket, phone calls at the perfect moment, a knock on the door in the hour of loneliness. His love is all around flowing through beautifully unexpected channels.

Father, forgive me for not noticing, cherishing and gratefully accepting these gifts of Your love. how amazing and unexpected are your ways! open my eyes to see You in those around me. enable me to trust in You steadily, hope unswervingly, and love extravagantly.

for the past two days, the darker tones of gray looming over my thoughts accentuate the vivid shades of green budding inside, contrast deepening. heart drinking cleansing rain, emotional labor dissipates as Son descends on another day, meeting me right where i am.

thunder rolls in the distance. rain is on its way. cleansing rain.

photo: masterpiece of preschooler, "neigh"

Significance of Design

2008-03-27T21:53:00.006-05:00

toes of little onion bulbs all blooming in a row.
five summers ago on the day of disclosure, the tips of these toes were barely larger than yaupon berries, doll feet cradling delicately in the comparatively massive mommy palm. as time passes they elongate and curve -- formation necessary for running, climbing, leaping, galloping and cart-wheeling.

high arches, roughened soles, perennially scraped cuticles, soiled heels...these are the feet of my daughter. i marvel at their design, handcrafted by the artist of our universe.

planets orbiting, stars burning, moon reflecting, earth inhabiting, ocean tiding, whales breaching, mountains soaring, land carving, feet calibrating -- all spoken word of the sovereign designer.

how precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
how vast is the sum of them!
Psalm 139:17

significance found in the humbly insignificant: feet.

a mother's prayer for the feet of her child:
Sovereign Creator, Father of love, turn to my daughter and have mercy on her, as you always do to those who love your name. direct her footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over her. redeem her from the oppression of men, that she may obey your precepts.

New Life

2008-03-23T21:10:00.011-05:00

Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. Luke 9:23-24 NIV

passivity, laziness, time-wasting, self-serving evenings-- all share weight on this cross i bear today. these particular sins have bubbled to the surface, illuminated by the spirit of truth, needing attention, action. today i take up this cross and follow Him. stumbling under the weight and burden of this yoke, i am eager to be free of it.

For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been freed from sin. Romans 6:6-7 NIV

freedom from sin! the price is high, though -- death.
yet, at this point, death will be a relief. the necessary option.
freedom through death.

hope whispers more...

If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. Romans 6:5 NIV

certainly united in resurrection
death is not the end. this is certain.
death is the beginning. the beginning of renewal; a new life. life free from the weight and burden of sin.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17

so, i take up this cross of self-serving attitudes and follow Him. losing my life, bit by bit.
necessary death leads to certain resurrection.

For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace. Romans 6:14

and i look forward to the power of grace working, transforming this broken vessel into something beautiful, loving, selfless.

photo: symbolically celebrating "new life" through death in Christ - planting flowers

embracing the story, preparing hearts

2008-03-14T09:39:00.015-05:00

"I'll paint these and you can paint one of the howts," plans the oldest, harboring an arm span of baked dough shapes.

"Let's only choose pieces that tell the Easter Story." i direct.

"This is a colt. We'll use him," she decisively declares, cradling a baked dough horse in her open palm.

"Hmmm, ok. Is there a colt in the Easter Story?" i probe.

silence. thinking. "Yes, Jesus rode on a colt to Jerusalem," daughter quietly answers, waves of honey cascading past her shoulders. for a moment i close my eyes and offer up a silent prayer of thanksgiving for knowledge growing from scattered seeds taking root in the heart of this child .

after painting, we decide on an order to the dough shapes that will hang at the kitchen window retelling and reminding: heart, colt, heart, cross, heart, angel, cross, star.

we slide the fuchsia ribbon through the first heart. this is how the Easter story begins, with love.
For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son...John 3:16
to seek, save, serve, and restore, replacing stone with flesh.

next we thread the ribbon through the colt.
Go...and you will find a colt.... Mark 11:2
This colt "which no one has ever ridden" will carry the Messiah into his final days before the crucifixion. a humble, lowly little colt to carry the King of Kings. i pause and consider the vessels He uses; my heart leaps with hope.

another heart is added to the line. with this heart we talk about the love Jesus has for us which leads Him to die in obedience to the Father. Jesus: seeker, savior, servant, healer, teacher, sinless one took on Himself all of our shameful, disgusting, disturbing, hateful, hurtful, deadly sins that separate us from God. this plan was so magnificent, so incomprehensibly complex while simple, so absolutely fueled by love.

this brings us to the cross.
And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross! Philippians 2:8
a death reserved for criminals, insurrectionists. whipped, ridiculed, pierced, nailed, hung, separated from the Father....all for us.

we string along another heart to reiterate the unprecedented, sacrificial love Jesus has for us.

next we come to the angel. this is Ava's favorite part of the story. mary, Jesus' friend, and a few other women are the first to see the empty tomb. dismayed, confused, they grasp for understanding. while standing there wondering, angels bright as lightening appear and say,
"Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen!" Luke 24:6
yet we do it, don't we? look for the living among the dead?
this query strikes the heart, bringing everything into startling focus:
He is not here.
Father, bring my heart into focus. help me to only search for You among the living.

a second cross is added to the line of figures. this one serves as a reminder: He is not here; he has risen!

we thread the last of our shapes: a star splashed bright with yellow. our hearts propelled into startling focus by the resurrection, we are given direction and clarity.
"I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12
"Jesus is the light of the world!" proclaims the softened four-and-a-half-year-old heart glowing in the morning sunlight across the table from me.
Savior, shine Your light in every dark crevice of my heart. bring into the open that which is sinful and dead. strengthen me to repent and accept Your loving grace and forgiveness.

tying a knot at the end of our shapes, my eye is drawn to the fuchsia ribbon weaving through the story, connecting pieces. my heart weakens with realization. His flowing blood is a fuchsia ribbon weaving through our hearts, supplying life. this blood flows, restoring us back into relationship with Creator, Father, Love.
Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in him. John 6:56
drink this blood of life. remain in Him.

kitchen window flooding with morning light, i hang the symbolic figures retelling the Easter story. a story so incomprehensibly complex while simple, so absolutely fueled by love.
my gaze drifts beyond the window to a worshipful expression of new life, rebirth: a trellis heavy with expectant yellow buds of carolina jessamine.
father, thank you for this new life, rebirth i have through Christ Jesus. i pray that my heart, also, is heavy with expectant buds fueled by the richest of soil, the flowing blood of your Son.

anointed outpouring

2008-03-13T21:56:00.027-05:00

Six days before the Passover, Jesus arrived at Bethany, where Lazarus lived, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. Here a dinner was given in Jesus' honor. Martha served, while Lazarus was among those reclining at the table with him.

closing eyes, i run my hands across the grain of wood piled with steaming dishes serving a feast to honor our savior; feel the skimming of Martha's linen as she prepares and serves; listen to the rise and fall of male voices, clinking of platters, rustling of robes.

Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus' feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume.

and slowly, deliberately inhale the costly, sacrificial, purposeful, love-filled outpouring of perfume.

a spilled vile of cabbage patch perfume in childhood clutched in the dripping palm of a clumsy, growing girl. room of dolls, mini-records, rainbow splashed wall quickly filled with the sweetened water of a savored possession. a scent that lingered days, weeks, decades in the walls of memory.

i wonder how long...
the fragrance filled the house were Jesus dined?
remnants lingered in mary's hair?
scent-memory stained the nasal membranes of everyone attending the feast?

the hour was quickly approaching.
the time when Jesus would be the one to pour out a fragrant offering. the costly, sacrificial, purposeful, love-filled outpouring of blood. And the world and heavens would fill with the fragrance of the sacrifice.

Your Spirit beckons, awakening my senses. deeply, reverently i inhale.

But one of his disciples, Judas Iscariot, who was later to betray him, objected,"Why wasn't this perfume sold and the money given to the poor? It was worth a years' wages." He did not say this because he cared about the poor but because he was a thief; as keeper of the money bag, he used to help himself to what was put into it.

yet the timing and means are difficult to grasp.

excuse me, Lord, you are approaching this matter all wrong. as we see it with our limited, one-dimension earthly vision, the plan should be that You save Israel by restoring the kingdom to the Jews. have you noticed the oppression, lack of favor, unfair governmental practices? or have you been too busy dining with sinners, healing on the Sabbath, teaching multitudes? i can think of a million more profitable things You should be doing besides hanging there, dying, spilling blood that is much more useful inside your body keeping you alive.

"Leave her alone, " Jesus replied. "It was intended, that she should save this perfume for the day of my burial. You will always have the poor among you, but you will not always have me." John 12: 1-8

it was intended.

mary worshiped through a ceremonial outpouring of perfume.
Jesus worshiped through obedience with the outpouring of blood.
both costly, one immeasurably.
both sacrificial, one ultimately.
both purposeful, one restores life.
both love-filled, one endures forever.

Lord, stain this heart with the scent-memory of your costly, sacrificial, purposeful, love-filled outpouring of blood. teach me to be extravagantly worshipful in the time I have with You.

one year, four days

2008-03-09T21:26:00.009-05:00

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

one year, four days.

despite my passive attempt to prolong what is to come, the time not only arrived but is now four days past. how can a mother describe the complex emotions towards the impending arrival of her child's first birthday? of course there is great joy and contentment in assurance of her baby's health, growth and development. after all, days of spit-up smeared shirts, leaking diapers, leaking breasts and sleepless nights are pushed back into the recesses of foggy memories. yet there is sadness, a longing for what is gone: sweet, milky baby breath; warm, peppery scent of her head; cradling a sleeping newborn. if i linger in this vain, sorrow for what is passing by too quickly casts a shadow over me.

instead i strain a little harder, squinting through the fog beyond this bitter-sweet moment to a time when motherhood was a dream greater than weddings, husbands, houses. crossing over into adulthood, that dream was dashed upon the rocks by crashing, volatile waves. heart heavy with grief, eyes swollen and burning from weeks of sorrow, hands empty. i remember You pulling me close, embracing my broken heart, broken dreams and whispering Your faithfulness into my ear, thoughts, heart, spirit. clinging to Your promises with desperate grip, my heart steeped in Your words until they infused blood and bone. You gave a gift to fill my hands, soothe my burning eyes, and lighten my heavy heart. hope. hope for what was unseen, by all accounts impossible. You turned my sorrow into hope, anxiety into peace. what was meant for destruction, death of dreams, you conceived in my heart a faith and trust to grow, mature.

seven years of hope and peace passed.

a cry rung out in the warm June sky. the cry of hope, peace, faith and trust birthed in spirit and in flesh. tears flowed from a mother's eyes in awe of experiencing Your touch and faithfulness. blessings continued. three years later You brought forth miraculous life once more. an inheritance.

here we are one year, four days later. this heart of one multiplied into a house of four.

prosperity. hope. a future.

humbly, i bow in adoration and gratitude of Your character.

meditating on mark 4:35-41

2008-02-07T21:54:00.003-06:00

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
Mark 4:39

when the moment arrives, it doesn't sneak up like a tip-toeing child or the soft splatter of rain drops. no, much more forceful, invasive. a furious storm swells with waves crashing, confronting mortality on a fishing boat at sea. yes, that is how the moment arrives. unexpectedly, fearfully, sending us into a panic without a plan. what now - ride the turbulent waves, jump ship and tread water....
did i hear that someone is sleeping through this calamity? how could that be possible!
wake! arise and see that death is clawing at our boat! certainly we will not survive this chaotic experience. do you not care?

i humbly confess with a heart that comes so short, this is my reaction - God, can you see this turmoil i am experiencing? are you slumbering through my agony? do you not care?

crashing waves, devastating winds, rising waters test the foundation. what do i grasp for, cling to with whitening knuckles - my ability, intelligence, resources, relationships, possessions? all had their time of reign, idolatry.

yet my soul aches and stirs with truth.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5

maybe this will help...i will do that next...then i will try....
emptying meager assets like contents of an overturned purse. God responds, "Quiet! Be still!" focus averts from problems, fear, the doom of possibilities and stills. quiet. peace. why was that not my first response when anxiety arose? i cry out, "Father!" and He answers, always. His character is security wooing my trust. regardless of what i can reason through or understand, He is.

crashing waves, devastating winds, rising waters test this foundation and find it secure, unscathed.

He is.