in the beginning

"Momma, where does water come from?" questioning eyes of golden-haired daughter of five drink in the vastness of the sea before her.
hasty to answer, my mouth flies open ready to spill of knowledge concerning evaporation, water vapor, precipitation...mind's eye precisely recalling water cycle charts from former teaching days. yet, something catches my tongue, stops progression down that thought path.

although true, that almost-answer, i sense this to be a bigger moment of inquiry.
where does it originate, this water rolling before us?

inhaling deeply of the salted air, my eyes lift to the sky as understanding begins to fill me with a growing amazement. "From the mouth of God!" I shout over the fizzing splashes. "He spoke, His words created water, and here it is," a joyful laugh escapes us both, pondering the power of our mighty Creator exhibited through the thoughtful utterances of His mouth.

Your throne was established long ago; you are from all eternity.

The seas have lifted up, O LORD,
the seas have lifted up their voice;
the seas have lifted up their pounding waves.

Mightier than the thunder of the great waters,
mightier than the breakers of the sea—
the LORD on high is mighty.

Psalm 93:2-4

(more lessons from the sea to come...)

Revising an Incongruous Constitution

tonight i seek Him under falling water, washing away the day's soil with a heart restless to be cleansed by living water. this split-ness, duality of desires and mind being worked out through Him. as He gently guides in love and truth, Shepherd of this heart, i begin to see.

multifaceted...
no, not this word evoking images of glistening gems viewed from different angles. brilliance of design, workmanship.
no, not multifaceted as i once thought.
most accurately, double-sided...
this duality of two completely opposing thoughts battling for viability is not how He created me to exist through the every day. like double-sided tape, if one side is adhering to a specific resolve, the other is exposed and vulnerable to stick to anything that happens to come along.
tossing back and forth, my views change with emotions, hormones, differing perspectives and experiences.

yet truth illuminates the culprit aiding in these mental distractions,
emotional diversions,
settling fog.
all these things wrap into the package of self.
self-serving,
self-seeking,
self-fulfilling,
self-ruling -
my sin stares back at me.

silencing tongue, closing eyes, stilling thoughts - You remind me of words sung Sunday. words to illuminate, encapsulate and pray-

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

Shepherd of my life, i feel this heart inside prone to wander, prone to leave the One i love. Bind my wandering heart to You. take my heart and seal it. fix my eyes on You.

An Incongruous Constitution

split.
in two.
or perhaps, more accurately, multifaceted.

opposing concepts, ideas, emotions waltz interchangeably, partners switching effortlessly.

today, this.
tomorrow, that.

yes to daily routine, weekly schedules, thinking it all through, relationships, home.
yet also to...
spontaneity, freedom from it all, a carefree me.

this landscape of emotion shifts as shadows cast on a sunny day, and You send comfort in words living.

For God's Word is solid to the core; everything he makes is sound inside and out.
Psalm 33:4 (msg)

relief floods, and i inhale a saving breath.
i am sound. inside and out.

Lord, give me peace inside this battling mind, shifting emotions. thank You for Your Word, solid to the core. send strength in this lean time.

Reach Out

From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and
he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live.

God did this so that men would

seek him

and perhaps

reach out for him

and find him,

though he is not far from each one of us.

'For in him we live and move and have our being.'

Father, having determined the time and place for my life, You give me purpose. every day, every hour i am surrounded with reasons to seek You...reach out for You...find You. teach me, prompt me, compel me to seek You first, always.

Miracle Baby

"Mommy, was I a miracle baby?" prompts preschooler over lunch.

"Yes, you were a miracle baby," i reply with a smile growing in anticipation, waiting to hear the words...

"Tell me the story."

closing eyes, i purposely dust away cluttering thoughts of partially composed emails, menu ideas, the day's schedule and make room for a focused retelling of my favorite story.

"A long time ago, doctors told me i could not have babies because my uterus is very small, too small for a baby to grow in, " I begin.

"and when i heard what the doctors said, i was very, very sad because all i ever wanted to be was a mommy. since i was younger than you, all i wanted to be when i grew up was a mommy."

"i cried for many days, weeks. cried and prayed."

a slight tightness presses against my chest, quickening breath, expanding belly twice swollen with another's heart, bones, blood, life...but now empty.

how quickly i return to that recovery bed in hospital. eyes blurred, thoughts slowed by anesthesia. surgeon forecasting a future opposed to dreams.
heart shattering.

from deep inside, a long breath escapes.
that was then.

now i gaze into the eyes of this beautiful, bright, lovely, healthy, growing little girl. girl child full of life, her name's sake. life itself. a miracle beyond understanding, beyond physical limitations. offspring from a body that should not have been able to handle the weight, volume, expansion.

i continue the story.
"during that time, God gave me hope in my heart, peace in my mind, and a song on my lips."
He laid a blanket of peace over my dreams, and they slept. for years they hibernated deep within, undisturbed.

during the spring of my 26th year, dreams awoke.
Gentle Thinker agreed, it was time.

"then one day God placed you in my belly to grow. i was so surprised, overjoyed, humbled. He chose me to be your mommy! you were growing inside me and i could feel you, begin to know you."

one day this story will expand with details a mind of four years cannot yet understand: one ovary, one fallopian tube, half a uterus, half the blood supply; inadequate placenta, drastically decreasing amniotic fluid; how her tiny body sacrificed continuing growth to save, protect her developing brain and so, so much more.

"you are a miracle. what the doctors said was impossible, God made possible. and look at you now!"

steeping in the words of her beginnings, preschooler declares, "yes! and claire is a miracle baby too!"

"yes, she is. one day we will tell her the story of being a miracle baby." sisters growing up knowing their story...how God personally authored the beginning of their lives.

i wonder if other mamas around the world pull their children close, gaze into their eyes and tell the story of being a miracle baby. for it's all so amazing, isn't it? how God personally authored the beginning of every life?


Author of Life, humble me with the bigness, greatness of You. for you created my daughters' inmost being; You knit them in my womb. i praise You because they are fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, i know that full well.

photo: our first miracle baby

The Evening Current

every evening as i clean up remnants from the day, regret and failure lap at my heels, tide rising. scenes of the day replay, patience lost revisited, unaccomplished lists swirl. did i play with the girls? did i love extravagantly? smile freely? give my best? forgive graciously? sacrifice my own desires for that of another?

closing eyes to the oncoming waves, i know where this current leads. to endless guilt, churning uncertainty, layers of regret...mental, emotional struggles this mama knows intimately.

so i resist, fighting the strengthening pull.

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!”

Lamentations 3:22-24 (New Living Translation)

resistance in the form of verse, God breathed.
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
over and over these words trickle down my head as cool, refreshing water amidst the swirling tides. down it flows seeping into hair, skin, bones, blood. living words infusing peace into a tattering heart.

an undercurrent of anxiety is still detectable, however. frayed edging. questions surface, testing: what of tomorrow? as evening approaches, will this episode repeat only to be quieted by a temporary salve? a sore to be reopened daily?

People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

Matthew 6:33 (The Message)

Father's hand in the form of verse gently smoothes the bumps, unties the knots, mends the tears inside this mama.

Lord, steep my life in Your reality, Your initiative, Your provisions. keep my heart focused on You. i choose to seek You first knowing that everything else will fall into place purposefully in ways that only You can fulfill. still this mama's heart.

photo: www.sxc.hu

Contemplating this Heart

Psalm 15

LORD, who may dwell in your sanctuary?
Who may live on your holy hill?

He whose walk is blameless
and who does what is righteous,
who speaks the truth from his heart

and has no slander on his tongue,
who does his neighbor no wrong
and casts no slur on his fellowman,

who despises a vile man
but honors those who fear the LORD,
who keeps his oath
even when it hurts,

who lends his money without usury
and does not accept a bribe against the innocent.
He who does these things
will never be shaken.

LORD, expose the darkest crevices of this heart with your light of truth. draw out of hiding every unrighteous rudiment to be turned over to You. create in me a heart that is pure and pleasing to You, overflowing Your love and mercy. teach me to love like You do, never to be shaken.

photo: sxc.hu