for the past two days, the darker tones of gray in the sky accentuate vivid shades of green outdoors, contrast deepening. sky heavy with anticipation of rain, atmospheric labor continues as sun descends on another day.
my heart, also, is heavy. pressure in chest building, pulling attention towards its palpable weight.
i know what it is, partially.
mental words, fragments echo the speech of my preschooler from early in the week. questions uttered by an unassuming child shift the atmosphere in my heart, tilting balance, halting the predictable rotation.
during a play date, mommy compliments rebounding off stoic girl exterior pierce heart-deep when directed towards another preschooler's masterpiece. desperate self-protection masked behind innocent green-blue eyes and rosebud lips mouthing reassurances of "what about mine? my picture is pretty too, right mama? say my picture is pretty too!" her reaction finds me unprepared. searching to convey assurance, i respond with adulation like candies falling from a cracked pinata hoping she will clutch handfuls of treats to store in her emotional treasury.
i choose words as the currency of acceptance to a thirsty heart unable to be quenched by words.
for two days i ponder this experience, puzzled by the affect it has on me. what did my child need to hear to satisfy this desire for acceptance and worth? does she even know how much i love and cherish her? how can she possibly fathom my limitless love for her, never to be diminished by my love for others?
standing over bed folding laundry in the path of morning light streaming through the windows, scattered pieces of this puzzle quickly begin to shift, rotate and connect. forming picture is staggering and unexpected: there i slump, only a day before, pitying lack of eager involvement from loved ones which friends and other family members seem blessed to receive. is there something wrong with me, God? do they not want to be around me or my kids? do You really want me to go through all this alone without a loving, willing hand to guide?
piercing, stinging, digging...truth burrows deep into this devastated heart as the picture continues to develop: i am the preschooler curled over paper and crayon shavings searching parental eyes questioning, "what about me? i am worthwhile too, right Daddy? say i am worthwhile too!"
yet this query does not find Him unprepared.
He has already answered.
For he chose me in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined me to be adopted as his daughter through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given me in the One he loves. In him I have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on me with all wisdom and understanding. (from Ephesians 1:4-8)
in all my raw human ugliness, He chose me as worthwhile before laying the foundation of the earth. i am accepted. chosen. predestined. redeemed. forgiven. lavished with grace.
relief and peace wash over distracted thoughts, heavy heart and bruised emotions. truth burrows deeper still, filling me with news of Father's acceptance and faithfulness: yes, i do have what i need. God's love.
time for a perspective shift. God provides willing, loving contributors in the form of elderly neighbors, childhood friends, strangers at the supermarket, phone calls at the perfect moment, a knock on the door in the hour of loneliness. His love is all around flowing through beautifully unexpected channels.
Father, forgive me for not noticing, cherishing and gratefully accepting these gifts of Your love. how amazing and unexpected are your ways! open my eyes to see You in those around me. enable me to trust in You steadily, hope unswervingly, and love extravagantly.
for the past two days, the darker tones of gray looming over my thoughts accentuate the vivid shades of green budding inside, contrast deepening. heart drinking cleansing rain, emotional labor dissipates as Son descends on another day, meeting me right where i am.
thunder rolls in the distance. rain is on its way. cleansing rain.
photo: masterpiece of preschooler, "neigh"
